I thought taking care of everyone was love, turns out it was survival

for the chronic fixers, overthinkers, and emotional caretakers, it’s time to reclaim your peace

Have you ever lived your entire life believing something was normal, until you realized it wasn’t?

The Text

Last year, my therapist helped me understand a fundamental aspect of my personality I never once questioned. It was an ingrained, subconscious tendency that had latched onto me.

Funny how a single text can shift the entire course of your life.

I’m not a fan of texting. I put in effort when it’s the only means of communication, but I prefer calling, FaceTime, or talking in person.

The sound of their voice. The way their eyes light up in deep conversation. Even the soft buzz of the bedroom ceiling fan. Their presence. It makes me feel alive.

And while emojis and GIFs add a little flavor, nothing compares to seeing them in real time. It makes me more grateful for connections.

Anyway, I ended up having a very important conversation over text. They sent paragraphs explaining their grievances in vivid detail. I prefer directness and honesty, so I appreciated that an effort was being made to communicate instead of letting things bubble up.

I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. I got this text to reflect on myself.

The text hit me hard. My heart was pounding as I slowly scrolled and read through each and every word. After I finished, I was wracked with guilt for making someone feel the way they did.

After the waves of anxiety and guilt, my thoughts scattered in every direction. I didn’t know how to respond. I knew how I was feeling, but I didn’t let myself fully feel it.

I tried to take a deep breath, and my eyes welled with tears I wouldn’t allow myself to spill over. I carefully reread every line and responded to everything they said.

Point by point.

I ensured everything was addressed, yet I failed to process my own emotions and immediately jumped in to assuage another’s. A direct result of growing up, molded into someone who accommodates other people’s emotional needs without addressing her own.

It was as natural as breathing.

Along the way, I became the therapist friend. The one everyone turned to for any of their troubles, regardless of age.

At four years old, I became an aunt and an older sister. It was natural to give in to how they were feeling and suppress my own emotions.

I barely saw my parents. My dad was a shell of himself, grappling with his own mental health struggles, and my mom was too busy working to provide for the entire family. Naturally, I became the family glue. A mom to my sibling. A friend to lean on for my mom. An understanding daughter for my dad. I lost all sense of my identity aside from taking care of them.

That extended into me taking care of my friends and even strangers. I didn’t know how to live any other way.

Parentification: when you mature too quickly and end up taking on adult responsibilities as a child.

After a month of discussing this at my weekly therapy sessions and a year of working on my inner healing, I have taken strides in not intellectualizing my emotions and not overcompensating for other people’s emotional needs.

Small, consistent changes snowballed into mindset shifts that transformed my identity and life.

The Power of Saying No

Yes was practically my catchphrase. I never turned down any hangouts. Whether I had the time or my social battery was drained. I always agreed to favors before hearing what they were. I justified my behavior. I convinced myself this was a good thing, that I was just easygoing, a go with the flow kind of person.

That made me a good person, right?

Wrong.

Doing this sapped me of my energy. I never had time for myself. I spent nights trying to catch up on homework assignments after hours of attending hangouts or comforting people, which I didn’t have time to do at the moment.

It never once occurred to me that I could reschedule a hangout, or let them know I had to finish this one task, and once I was finished, I could give them my undivided attention.

I just gave in. They asked me to walk, and I’d run a mile.

This wasn’t sustainable - it never was and it never will be.

It’s never too late to change. Even though it took me almost two decades to realize this, I slowly started to say no. First, to little favors I didn’t want to do, like turning on the fan. Somehow, it was always assumed I’d get up and fix it whenever someone felt warm. They never did it themselves, they were used to being taken care of.*

*Now, this does not mean I don’t do any favors for my friends. I love spoiling my loved ones. It’s just now I know that I don’t need to do this for everyone, and I don’t need to take care of everyone.

Then, I started saying no before even hearing the favor. I would hear them out, and if I wanted to do it, I would. And if I didn’t, I wouldn’t. No explanation needed.

No more rambling: “Oh, I can’t, I have to be somewhere,” or “I would if I could, but I just can’t, I’m so, so sorry.” I would simply say, “No.”

Here’s the key: people who love and understand you will be perfectly okay with that. They will respect your boundaries. You can even communicate that you’re working on saying no more often and learning to prioritize yourself, and they will cheer you on.

The ones who grumble about how you’ve changed and how they miss who you used to be are the ones who truly miss taking advantage of your people-pleasing behavior. They were never meant for you in the first place.

Before, saying no was anxiety-inducing; it was unimaginable. Now, it’s a source of strength that allows me to prioritize myself, my time, and my energy. And I finally feel like I’m reclaiming myself, piece by piece.

Reclaiming My Voice

If I could go back in time, I would tell my past self that I don’t have to address everyone’s emotional needs. It’s not my responsibility.

I would send a shorter text message - one straight from the heart and straight to the point.

I’m sorry you felt hurt. I’m a bit confused by the message and need time to process it. Would you be open to FaceTiming when we’re both ready to discuss this? I really value our friendship.

I’m still working on not overcompensating, and maybe this, too, would be too much for some people. However, it’s a huge improvement for me as someone who used to send paragraphs upon paragraphs in response to long messages.

Today, I’m proud to say that I’m not overcome with guilt for taking up space. I don’t feel this imminent urge to explain why I need to rest. I’m not just someone’s daughter, sister, aunt, or friend - I’m mine.

Author’s Note

Bad News - this isn’t easy.

Good News - this isn’t impossible.

Start small. Pick one thing you can improve upon today. Taking one step toward the person you want to be is all you need to start creating change and showing up for yourself.

You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to change overnight.

But you do need to take the first step and then the next and the one after that. Before you know it, you’ll already be a different person.